we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
