watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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