I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
