Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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