I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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