she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
cat food counts as protein by the way
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
