forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize