He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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