I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
