I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize