I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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