You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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