nut hugger
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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