Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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