She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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