Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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