Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize