If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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