Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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