When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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