I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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