we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
