Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Duck Duck Cougar?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
