I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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