News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She told me I should be a condom model.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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