The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
