My liver just broke up with me...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
