I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
