so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
