watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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