I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
