My friends, they love my intelligence
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
