I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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