My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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