Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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