Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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