What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
