i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
