I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize