eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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