Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
