that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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