I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
