I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
