I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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