my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
