I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
