So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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