Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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