based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
