HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
