The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
