once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
