it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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