Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
its not stalking. its research.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
