You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
