I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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