He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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