he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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