My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
